August: Are You Living Your Life, or Are You Just Getting Through It?

Have you ever had the feeling that you’re waiting for something? Maybe, waiting for your life to start?

Not literally, of course, as you’re living it every day.  You get up. You go to work. You eat lunch. You finish work. You go home. You answer text messages, make dinner, maybe pay bills, walk the dog, put the washing on and think about what needs doing tomorrow.

Life is happening. And yet, somehow, it can feel as though you’re standing on the sidelines of it. Not sure what life is about or what you are meant to be doing.  Recently, I’ve heard people describing this feeling as “waiting.”  

Waiting for something to happen.  Waiting for something to change.  Waiting to feel different.  Sometimes not knowing what they are even waiting for. There’s simply a sense that this can’t be it. That somewhere in the distant or near future there’s a point at which life will feel different, more fulfilling or perhaps more like their own.  And while they’re waiting, time keeps moving.  There’s a sense of life being something to simply “get through.”

Most of us don’t consciously decide to stop participating in our lives.  It happens much more quietly than that.  So subtle, we don’t even notice.  Life happens; we get busy.  Sometimes responsibilities increase.  Or things happen we didn’t expect.  We may experience loss, disappointment, difficult relationships, financial worries, health problems or periods where simply keeping everything going takes most of the energy we have.  So, we adapt.  We cope.  And sometimes we become very good at coping.

We get through Monday so we can get to Friday.  We get through a difficult month and tell ourselves next month will be better.  We look forward to the holiday, Christmas, the children becoming more independent, changing jobs, retiring, having more money or finally having more time.  Thing is, there’s nothing wrong with looking forward to things.  But there can be a subtle difference between looking forward to something and waiting for life to begin when you get there.

The question – what are  waiting for is an interesting one.  Perhaps you’re waiting until you’re more confident.  Until you’ve lost weight.  Until you have more money.  Until work settles down.  Until the children need you less.  Until somebody else changes.  Until you’ve dealt with your past.  Until you feel happier.  Until you know what you want.

Maybe, if you’re really honest with yourself, you don’t know what you’re waiting for at all.  You just have this ‘knowing’ that you’re waiting.  Sometimes we unconsciously create conditions around when we’re allowed to live.  I’ll do that when…  I’ll be happier once…  When things calm down, I’ll…  One day I’d love to…  The problem is, “one day” can quietly become months, or even years.

Maybe you’re waiting for life to announce itself.  We imagine that there will be an epiphany, or a moment where everything finally falls into place.  A point where you finally feel ready.  Confident enough.  Secure enough.  Healed enough.  Certain enough to move.  But perhaps that moment doesn’t arrive in quite the way we expect it to.  Maybe there isn’t a starting bell.  Maybe no-one says “Right, everything is sorted now. You can start living.”

Because the ordinary days are part of life too.  Making breakfast, sitting in the garden.  Driving home from work.  Having a conversation with someone we love.  Listening to that song we’d forgotten.  Noticing the sun coming through the window.  Trying something we’ve always wanted to do but put it off.  Saying no to something we no longer want.  Or saying yes to something that scares us a little and pushes us out of or comfort zone.

These moments can seem insignificant when we’re waiting for something bigger.  Some flash of lightening to signify now is the time.  Life is ready to start.  

Our lives are made up of the small moments that don’t have to be big.  There are times when just getting through the day is enough.  We don’t need to make sure everything we do is productive or holds some form of personal growth.  Putting ourselves under pressure to “make the most of life” when we’re struggling, only amplifies how we are feeling.  Perhaps we are postponing things, whilst we wait.  Still telling ourselves we’ll think about what we want later.

It can be useful to stop occasionally, and to ask ourselves; Am I just existing?  Am I coping?  Or am I actually living?  Theres no right or wrong answer here.  The purpose of the question is simply to notice.  Noticing the small things can help you feel more present in your own life.  

Try this; Think about a time when you weren’t thinking about what needed doing next. You weren’t replaying something that happened yesterday.  You weren’t worrying about tomorrow.  You weren’t trying to improve yourself, fix something or achieve something.

You were simply there, in the moment.  Maybe you were laughing with a friend.  Walking somewhere beautiful.  Listening to your favourite music.  Cooking a meal.  Doing some gardening.  Or simply sat with a coffee.  Maybe it wasn’t anything special or particularly exciting.  But the key is that you remember feeling in it.  Feeling present.  Connected. Alive.  These are the moments that tell us we are living.  They can remind us of what matters to us.

Maybe your whole life doesn’t need to change.  You don’t need to leave your job, move house, travel, find your purpose or reinvent yourself.  Perhaps you don’t need to “Sort your life out.”  The starting point might be much smaller.  Noticing what you enjoy.  Noticing what you’ve stopped doing.  Notice the people you feel most yourself around.  Notice what gives you energy.  More importantly, notice what you keep saying you’ll do “one day.”  Notice where you’re spending your time because you genuinely want to, and where you’re simply moving through familiar routines.

Why not begin by asking yourself a slightly different question other than “What do I need to change about my life” to “How can I be a little more present in the life that I already have and am living?”

Here are a few questions to get you started by noticing which one’s make you stop for a moment.

• What am I waiting for?
• Do I believe I’ll start enjoying life properly once something changes?
• What keeps getting postponed until “one day”?
• When do I feel most present and connected to my life?
• What have I stopped doing that used to make me feel like myself?
• How much of my week is spent living, rather than simply completing what needs to be done?
• Is there something I want that I haven’t allowed myself to acknowledge?
• What would I regret continually putting off?
• What does a life that feels like mine actually look like?
• What is one small way I could participate more fully in my own life now?

You don’t need to suddenly start “living every day as though it’s your last.”  Perhaps it’s simply about recognising that life isn’t somewhere in the distance.  It’s not waiting for you once you’ve finished everything, fixed everything or finally become the person you think you’re supposed to be.  Life is already happening, in ordinary ways.  In the imperfect moments.  In the plans that work out and the ones that don’t.  In the quiet cup of coffee, the conversation, the walk, the laughter, the decision to do something simply because you enjoy it.

Maybe the question isn’t “When will my life begin?”

Maybe it’s about noticing that all you need to do is be a part of life that’s already happening.  What if all you need to do is – notice!  You’re not waiting, you have simply forgotten how to enjoy the simpler, smaller parts of your life.