March: Forgiveness Isn’t About Them – It’s About You
When people hear the word forgiveness, they often imagine reconciliation. They imagine excusing harmful behaviour. They imagine saying, “It’s okay,” when it wasn’t okay at all.
But forgiveness – true, healing forgiveness – isn’t about letting someone else off the hook.
It’s about releasing yourself.
As a counsellor, I see this often. A partner cheats. A parent wounds deeply. A relative betrays trust. And somewhere along the way, the pain turns inward:
- I should have seen the signs.
- Why did I stay?
- What’s wrong with me?
- Why wasn’t I enough?
The injury may have been caused by someone else – but the suffering continues because of the story we tell ourselves about it.
And that is where self-forgiveness begins.
The Misunderstood Meaning of Forgiveness
Forgiveness does not mean:
- Approving of what happened
- Minimising harm
- Reconnecting with unsafe people
- Pretending it didn’t matter
Forgiveness is not about rewriting history. It is about deciding that your past will not define your future.
Researcher Brené Brown speaks about shame as the belief that “I am bad” rather than “I did something” or “Something happened to me.” When someone betrays us or mistreats us, we often internalise the pain as shame.
Self-forgiveness is the antidote to that shame.
When Someone Cheats on You
Infidelity cuts deep – not only because of betrayal, but because of the meaning we attach to it.
Many people ask themselves:
- Was I not attractive enough?
- Did I fail?
- Was I too much? Too little?
But someone else’s decision to cheat is a reflection of their choices, not your worth.
Self-forgiveness here might sound like:
“I forgive myself for not knowing what I couldn’t have known.”
“I forgive myself for loving deeply.”
“I forgive myself for staying as long as I did. I was doing my best with what I knew at the time.”
You are allowed to have trusted.
You are allowed to have believed someone.
You are allowed to have hoped.
That is not weakness. That is humanity.
You Were Treated Badly by a Parent or Relative
Childhood wounds are particularly powerful because we didn’t choose those relationships.
If you were criticised, neglected, manipulated, or emotionally unsafe, you may now carry beliefs like:
- I’m difficult.
- I’m not good enough.
- I have to earn love.
- I don’t matter.
Here, self-forgiveness may involve something radical:
Forgiving yourself for coping the only way you knew how.
Maybe you became hyper-independent.
Maybe you became a people-pleaser.
Maybe you shut down emotionally.
Those weren’t flaws – they were survival strategies.
You don’t need to forgive the harm if you’re not ready.
But you can forgive yourself for adapting in order to survive it.
Self-Forgiveness Really Looks Like
Self-forgiveness isn’t a single decision. It’s a process. It’s often quiet and internal. It’s less dramatic than we expect.
Psychologist Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a close friend. Self-forgiveness grows from this soil.
Here’s how to begin.
1. Separate Responsibility from Identity
Ask yourself:
- What was actually within my control?
- What wasn’t?
Being hurt by someone does not make you foolish.
Loving someone who couldn’t love you well does not make you inadequate.
You are not the event that happened to you.
2. Replace “Why Was I So…?” with “I Was Doing My Best”
We judge our past self with our present awareness.
But your past self didn’t have today’s insight.
Try this shift:
Instead of:
“Why was I so stupid?”
Try:
“I made the best decision I could with the information and emotional capacity I had at the time.”
That is not denial. That is compassion.
3. Acknowledge the Grief Beneath the Guilt
Often what we call guilt is actually grief.
Grief for:
- The relationship we hoped for
- The parent we needed
- The version of life we imagined
Allowing grief softens self-blame.
4. Release the Fantasy of Control
Self-blame gives us an illusion of control:
“If it was my fault, then I could have prevented it.”
But sometimes it wasn’t preventable.
Letting go of self-blame means accepting a harder truth:
You cannot control other people’s integrity, emotional maturity, or choices.
And that acceptance can be so freeing.
5. Decide Who You Want to Be Moving Forward
Forgiveness is forward-facing.
Ask:
- What kind of partner do I want to be next time?
- What boundaries will I hold?
- What patterns am I ready to break?
You don’t move on by erasing the past.
You move on by integrating it.
Pain can become wisdom – if it is processed instead of replayed.
6. Create a Personal Forgiveness Ritual
Sometimes symbolic acts help the nervous system let go.
You might:
- Write a letter to your past self and offer compassion
- Journal what you learned
- Speak aloud: “I release myself from this story.”
- Visualise returning responsibility to the person who harmed you
The brain responds to repetition. The more you practice self-compassionate language, the more natural it becomes.
Forgiveness Is Not Reconciliation
You can forgive yourself and still:
- Maintain no contact
- Set firm boundaries
- End a relationship
- Protect your peace
Forgiveness does not require access.
It requires honesty.
You Are Not Your Past
If someone cheated on you – that is something that happened.
If a parent failed you – that is something that happened.
It is not who you are.
Self-forgiveness says:
“I refuse to keep punishing myself for someone else’s behaviour.”
It says:
“I release shame. I keep the lesson.”
It says:
“I choose growth over rumination.”
Moving Forward Without Living in the Past
The past becomes heavy when we keep re-entering it without resolution.
Moving forward means:
- Feeling it
- Understanding it
- Learning from it
- And then choosing not to relive it daily
You don’t need to forget.
You don’t need to excuse.
You don’t need to reconcile.
You simply need to stop holding yourself responsible for wounds that were never yours to carry.
And that is the quiet power of self-forgiveness.
If this resonates, you might gently ask yourself today:
“What am I still punishing myself for – that I’m finally ready to release?”
